Why not share something about my heart? I have no idea where my cord thing is for the camera so I can post pictures on here about the move and all the people who helped us. So why not share about my heart?
Fear. Not a great word. Not a great feeling. But it came upon my fast about 2 weeks ago. After losing our baby at 10 weeks it was painful. We chose to follow the advice of our doctor and prevent pregnancy for at least 3 months. I think it was the right decision for us. Suddenly (about 2 weeks ago) I realized 3 months had passed. Now what? All of these emotions started overwhelming me. I was afraid. Preventing sort of made me not have to deal with certain fears. Fears about being pregnant again. Fears about "trying" but not being pregnant and the possibility that making me sad. A little anxiety about what "trying" even means for the hubby and I. Like, what is good for us? Just be relaxed about it, or look at a calendar? We've never done this whole trying thing. What is this time in our lives supposed to look like for us? What is best for my heart? Do you see the flood of questions that came upon me??... :)
It may seem strange, but the last two weeks have been the most painful time in this journey besides the time right after it all happened. It hit me all of a sudden that waiting has been really hard. Most women after a miscarriage want to get pregnant again right away to hope again. Waiting sort of has made the sadness linger in some ways. I don't think it's been a bad thing. Just hard.
I have amazing friends though. I thought, "This fear sure isn't right. Don't think I'm supposed to dwell here." So I picked up the phone and called three of my best friends and shared what I was feeling: FEAR. They prayed for me (and are praying for me). It's amazing how you feel lighter after sharing the things that are weighing your heart down. I felt renewed.
I've had numerous people tell me they read my blog. I would never know because they don't comment. That's okay. I'm a blog stalker too. You don't have to comment. But when you think about us would you pray however you feel led? I can't say that I have answers for some of my questions. Just less fear. I don't really have a plan. Maybe it's supposed to be that way...
About Me
- Cheryl Culin
- I love God.I love people.I love to talk and listen.I ask lots of questions.I cry easily.I feel deeply.I love my husband and think we might have the coolest love and God story I've ever seen unfold.I love touch and time,so if you spend an evening with me sharing your heart and slip a back rub in here and there you'll likely win me over :)
2 comments:
we love you both so much! thanks for being you and giving us his special glimpse into your heart. May the lord guard your body and your mind as you continue this baby journey.
I am sitting here with Titus and all I can think of is that we are not in control. I could not control whether or not Titus was doing well... just like my first pregnancy. I think it's easy to feel like we are in control, but non of us are. There are some of us that get a special glimpse of how God works when he lets that fact be clearly known. Trust is all we have when control can not be had. If we had our choice our babies would always be healthy, but we don't have that power so we have to trust. It must be designed that way.
I always had fear, before, during and after my pregnancy with Titus. Most times I had to decide to relax and let God take care of it because I couldn't do anything else. Even though Titus made it through pregnancy great, I still look at him and think he could be gone in a second if something happens. I just have to trust God and not live in that fear. I try to enjoy every moment.
The Lord knows your fear in this journey. I will be praying for you and eddie. Love you :)
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