A week later...

This has been one of the most painful weeks of my life. In part, simply because my baby died. The moment replays in my mind over and over again. I knew before the Dr. said a word- because he wasn't moving. She measured him- 9 weeks, 5 days. My heart broke even more deeply as I realized my baby had died that week. How could he be fine last week, but not this week? It was heart-wrenching.
I knew losing a baby would be hard, but I didn't realize how heart-wrenching the actual process would be. I'd been by friends sides as they miscarried at 6 or 7 weeks, so I thought my process would be the same. It wasn't at all. As I cried the next day and told my doctor all that I endured she gently explained to me that just as a miscarriage at 20 weeks is completely different than a miscarriage at 10 weeks, so a miscarriage at 10 weeks cannot be compared to a miscarriage at 6 weeks. End of week 8, the placenta is complete, you have a large amount of amniotic fluid (bag of water), etc. I didn't know I would see him, hold him. See the beginning of his perfect little eyes. I couldn't have imagined the pain I would feel. The memories flash through my mind at any given moment and I feel sick again.
I have never felt far from God in the process. Nor do I question Him. I don't mean this to sound super spiritual. It's just the reality of where my heart is at. There is something so miraculous about a baby being knit together in your womb. I would always tell Eddie that I felt like I had a deep understanding that the baby was God's miracle. That I really had nothing to do with what was going on inside of me. We entered into this pregnancy with such pure, child-like faith. We would pray and always tell God, "we know this is your work, your baby. We trust you." I desperately want to have this pure, simple trust with our next baby. I know God will bring my heart to this place again. But for now, it's hard to imagine being pregnant again without fearing loss and pain.
I don't feel like God has made a mistake. He chose for me to experience this pain. He knew the baby He was creating would only live 10 weeks. I don't need to look at other pregnant women and think, "That should be me, or that would have been me if..." The reality is I'm exactly where God wants me to be. There is no such thing as "that should have been or would have been me" in God's eyes. He meant for this baby to live exactly as long as He did. I would never chose pain on my own, but God knows that pain shapes us into better people (if we let it). I know that God is working this for good and has so much to teach me, but honestly, I want to skip the pain and be on the other side of things. I know it will take time.