My nursing mentor

Most of us have mentors: Marriage mentors. Spiritual mentors. Mentors on the job. We have people we look up to and think, "I'd like to be like that someday." This is Hargant. She is my nursing mentor. Here's why: She is smart. She has 20+ years of experience as a nurse and it shows. Each day that I get to work and find out she is working with me I say a silent "Yes!" in my head because I know if I ever have a question or am in need of help she's ready with an answer or a helping hand. She is incredibly kind. She loves people. She prays. She speaks words that encourage her co-workers and patients. I can't help it. I think, "This is the kind of nurse I aspire to be." I was so happy when she agreed to take a picture with me for my blog. Yay for nursing mentors who take new nurses under their wings! :)

American Idol tryouts....9 hours in the sun

Well, Eddie didn't bring home a golden ticket in the tryouts, but he did bring home something else...A really nice sunburn. Tryouts were at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. I'm so sad that they didn't have any shade set up! Out of 11,000 people trying out Eddie was part of the last 100 or so people to sing. When he got home I kept fluctuating between saying, "Oh my poor baby!" and cracking up. The pictures don't even do it justice. Who knew he'd need sunscreen at tryouts for American Idol? :)

A Healing Heart :)

Just an update: We are doing so good. Last week I chose to spend time with someone who would refuel me everyday. My heart feels really good and so does Eddie's. I don't even really feel sad anymore. I smile when I look at my ultrasound picture, instead of feel sad. Went back to work Tuesday and had a great day. I'm such a sharer- whether things in life are good or bad, so being able to talk/share/show my picture to people has been so healing. It's funny/strange to me when people are awkward or avoid bringing it up because it feels so normal to talk about. I guess I'm just not an avoider. I don't know how to be.
Anyway, praise God for all the healing that has occurred in the last week. I am so thankful to each person who offered their time, heart, and prayers, and often times shared their own very sad and similar journey. Isn't it amazing to know that God always has our best in mind? My soul is so refreshed because I know that He really does work all things together for good for those who love Him, and I love Him! Work it Jesus, work it. :) His goal isn't to save us from painful circumstances or brokenness. His goal is to shape us into the image of His son. He is good, so good. Shape away... :)

If She Can Worship, I Can Worship

Went to a Hillsong United concert a couple months ago. Brooke Fraser sang this song. I loved it. It has ministered to my heart more than anything else during the last week. I basically sing it all day, play it in the car, and as of yesterday, play it on my guitar. :) So, Eddie comes up to me a few days ago and says with computer in hand, "Can I show you something?" He just looked really sweet and thoughtful, so I asked, "Is it going to make me cry?" "Yup", he replied,"but you need to see it." It's amazing. I'm like, "Really God?"(tears streaming) I already loved the song. It's really impossible not to be inspired.

A week later...

This has been one of the most painful weeks of my life. In part, simply because my baby died. The moment replays in my mind over and over again. I knew before the Dr. said a word- because he wasn't moving. She measured him- 9 weeks, 5 days. My heart broke even more deeply as I realized my baby had died that week. How could he be fine last week, but not this week? It was heart-wrenching.
I knew losing a baby would be hard, but I didn't realize how heart-wrenching the actual process would be. I'd been by friends sides as they miscarried at 6 or 7 weeks, so I thought my process would be the same. It wasn't at all. As I cried the next day and told my doctor all that I endured she gently explained to me that just as a miscarriage at 20 weeks is completely different than a miscarriage at 10 weeks, so a miscarriage at 10 weeks cannot be compared to a miscarriage at 6 weeks. End of week 8, the placenta is complete, you have a large amount of amniotic fluid (bag of water), etc. I didn't know I would see him, hold him. See the beginning of his perfect little eyes. I couldn't have imagined the pain I would feel. The memories flash through my mind at any given moment and I feel sick again.
I have never felt far from God in the process. Nor do I question Him. I don't mean this to sound super spiritual. It's just the reality of where my heart is at. There is something so miraculous about a baby being knit together in your womb. I would always tell Eddie that I felt like I had a deep understanding that the baby was God's miracle. That I really had nothing to do with what was going on inside of me. We entered into this pregnancy with such pure, child-like faith. We would pray and always tell God, "we know this is your work, your baby. We trust you." I desperately want to have this pure, simple trust with our next baby. I know God will bring my heart to this place again. But for now, it's hard to imagine being pregnant again without fearing loss and pain.
I don't feel like God has made a mistake. He chose for me to experience this pain. He knew the baby He was creating would only live 10 weeks. I don't need to look at other pregnant women and think, "That should be me, or that would have been me if..." The reality is I'm exactly where God wants me to be. There is no such thing as "that should have been or would have been me" in God's eyes. He meant for this baby to live exactly as long as He did. I would never chose pain on my own, but God knows that pain shapes us into better people (if we let it). I know that God is working this for good and has so much to teach me, but honestly, I want to skip the pain and be on the other side of things. I know it will take time.

Tears

It's been a rough 24 hours.

Yesterday was Cheryl's birthday and we were slated to go see our baby for the very first time. It was the first appointment of the pregnancy and the question of twins was looming overhead. So off we went, Cheryl, her mom, myself and a camera to capture this momentous occasion. After a long wait and a few rough girl tests (sorry baby :-( ) it was time for the ultrasound. Film rolling and eyes dancing we watched the monitor light up a tiny figure. Then came this awkward silence. i thought I was supposed to hear something. I remember my body tingle when the doctor said," I'm not seeing a heartbeat." She looked more and from other angles but the result was the same. No heartbeat. As tears streamed down my wife's face she simply said, " I know this sounds weird but I feel like God already spoke to me today about this." My wife had seen a mental picture of a baby without a heartbeat and already talked with God and processed with him about it. It definitely was a strange thing to think about the morning of an ultrasound, going beyond being paranoid to being a God-thing. We went through two more ultrasounds to confirm what we had already known from the first, our baby had made it to just over nine weeks and died.
In the whole span of events, what has brought us the most tears isn't the sadness of losing a baby, but the goodness of God. Our doctor couldn't have been more perfect. She was basically Cheryl in 30 years. She prayed over my wife and cried with her. My wife has had to delete texts three times because her inbox was too full. Her mom (who was a labor and delivery nurse for two decades) is in town and has walked her through much. We have so many good people to call family that really mean it when they say, "call if you need anything."
The whole thing hasn't been easy, nor is it finished, but we have definitely seen God so much already. Thank you to everyone who has prayed, called, texted, and thought of us. Your prayers have moved God's heart to bring us peace and to sustain us in this time. He is good and we trust Him. Thank you God for blessing us with the gift of a child, even if only for a few moments.
Here is little baby Culin. We think he's pretty cute. We love you guys, thanks again

E&C

When God says wait...

My sister e-mailed me this poem. I loved it because I think it is true that many of our most intimate experiences with God occur in times of waiting. I remember asking "why?" so many times when my heart had been broken to pieces. I wanted answers. I wanted healing. I wanted desperately to fast forward the pain. But it really was in the depth of my pain that I began to be transformed and that God became, as I like to say "my very real God". The poem reminded me of my friends too. Some are waiting to know why they are where they are right now. Others desire babies. Others have marriages that are hurting or hearts that needs healing. What in your life is God asking you to wait on? How are you responding? Or, how have you experienced God through times of waiting?

Wait…

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait".

"Wait? You say, wait! " my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting.... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want - But you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."

Author Unknown